EP027: Sarah's Journey of Self-Expression

Jessica: Hello, friends! I'm here today with Sarah. They are a member our Avanti community and I'm so excited to hear what you have to say about personal expression so why don't we start by hearing a little bit about you?

Meet Sarah

Sarah: I've done a lot of things in my life so the question about me, and where I've been is always an interesting question. I'm an artist at the moment and that's kind of what I'm pursuing with my life right now. I've also been a neuroscientist, a classically trained dancer, a hairstylist, and makeup artist. I worked until nightlight for 10 years, so I've kind of been all over the place.

Photo by Sarah Steinback

Jessica: It's awesome. There are scientists to artists that is quite a transition.

Sarah: It is. I feel I kind of bounced back and forth between worlds for a while where my dancing was very much creative expression, as was the hair and makeup artistry and then I kind of burned out in those fields in a lot of ways, for a lot of different reasons and then I went kind of to the other side of things and the more science-minded and kind of what I realized was that it - being a creative in this world is hard, we live in a very linear goal-oriented directed world and sometimes to be a creative and to be successful and to own your own business or to operate within the parameters of the society that we live in as it is. It kind of kills the creativity vibe, and that's what I kind of realized going back and forth of like, "Okay, let me try this other thing." "No, that's not really for me either, I find it super interesting." And now, I've landed back at artist and also, I am a yoga teacher. I don't really teach anywhere right now but I have over 500 hours of teacher training so I'm kind of in this place of bridging the gap between all of these things that I've done and letting them amalgamate into this expression of myself and that's taking place right now through art so that's where I am at.

Jessica: That's so cool. I can definitely relate, I went to school for art as a photographer and a sculptor and then now I'm in business. Then quarantine hit as like, Oh, no, business is kind of slow so now I'm at art again.

Sarah: And that's kind of the cool...if you have to find a silver lining, I feel like that's kind of the cool thing about what is happening in the world right now is everybody all of a sudden - not everyone, I shouldn't say that, but a lot of people are finding themselves with a lot of spaciousness in time.

Jessica: Yeah.

Sarah: And it's really conducive to a lot of emotional processing and I think for people who are creative, do it, you know it. I see a lot of people reconnecting to their art. People were like, Oh, I haven't painted in 15 years but all of a sudden, here's all of this work that I'm doing is super cool.

Jessica: It's super cool to see. It's interesting. It's like it restarted everybody like a reboot. I definitely felt I was launched back in time to eighth grade when I was first kind of creative, you know?

Sarah: Yeah! Absolutely and it's funny that you say that because I think that was around the time that I stopped painting when I was younger and I literally didn't pick up a paintbrush until a few years ago. I'm 35, four years ago, I started painting and I was like, "Wow!" you know?

Jessica: Yeah. Is painting your favorite medium?

Sarah: I do painting and collage work. I also like to upcycle things if I see something in my immediate...I painted a chair the other day because I'm like, "I don't like the way that looks in here. I'm gonna make it a different color."

Jessica: Awesome! Would you mind sharing a little bit about what you're currently working on?

Sarah shows some of her artworks and explains the process of how she create them

Sarah: Sure. I mean I can show you. Yeah, let me-

Jessica: I am so nosy. I am like I want to see.

Sarah: I mean, just figure out how to flip my screen around so that this is a little bit easier. There we go, switch camera. So one of my pieces. My pieces are never done; it is my biggest issue. I'm like, when are they ever done they're kind of just sitting in my immediate environment, but I see here some works in process. This is a pair of shoes that I have been kind of upcycling for my partner, he was in a bad car accident 10 years ago and can only wear New Balance and they're not the most attractive shoes, so I started painting them for him.

Photos by Sarah Steinback

Jessica: That's awesome.

Sarah: And then here's some other things that are kind of, in process. This is one of my spaces. I also have a kind of a loft for larger pieces where I can throw paint on the walls and not have to be careful.

Jessica: That's awesome.

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Jessica: When you begin painting, do you start with an idea or you just begin putting paints on whatever it is?

Sarah: I really got back into art by not having an idea of what I was doing. I think that's where a lot of my frustration would come up when I was younger is I've had this idea in my head of what my finished product was going to look like and then when I couldn't correlate that because I didn't have the skill set or because it wouldn't match up and then I get really frustrated and the way I got back into art was kind of having someone just set materials out in front of me and make suggestions and be like, here's this if you wish, and not if you wish, and through that, I would begin to feel something moving through me so my artistic expression now is just like you can see there's a lot of layers in some of my work. It's like you can see like, okay, I was pissed off this day, and then I came feeling better. Move the edges there a little bit but it's very much energy flowing through onto canvas or via images.

Photos by Sarah Steinback

Jessica: That's so interesting. I definitely do the same. I noticed a lot of the frustration that came from art school was, it's got to have a concept and here's all the rules and it felt so late and you have to do it in a week. And it feels so constrained because I think as artists, we're more spiritual, energy-focused and a lot of it can't be contained into a little tiny paragraph.

Sarah: And that's kind of circles back to that linear mindset really killing creatives and I learned through a lot of my yoga training about masculine and feminine energy or yin and yang energy to be more it's not about male or female but that Yin energy is that nebulous - I'm going to bounce from this thing to this thing, and it can't necessarily be contained in a certain time period and a lot of creatives function that way and then that other, young goal-directed energy is very linear and so marrying the two together is really difficult. You're like, Okay, this is art school. I have to turn this in. I have to have some type of grade. You can't just be like, do whatever you want, and we'll figure it out along the way. It's cool, you're paying for it. You want it to -

Jessica: Yeah!

Sarah: Be a certain thing but it's really hard to merge those two things and I think it's an interesting thing that is playing out in real-time in the world right now.

Jessica: Yeah, it's really interesting. When you begin a project, do you do it? So I've talked to some artists who, they just go out and they have a structured approach even though they aren't structured people and so they'll just like, I'm going to paint every day, or do you paint when you feel like it?

Sarah: I'm on a journey with that right now. It was initially I'm going to paint when I feel like it, and then it's turned into something that I'm taking a little bit more seriously so I'm trying to show up for it as though it were a job and be devoted to it enough that I'm like, Okay, I'm going to show up every day, no matter how I'm feeling and at least put some time in. I read a book recently, I think it's called The Work of Art, and not all of it resonated but the one thing that the author says in the book is the difference between the novice and the professional is the professional shows up and you're not so precious with it of like, Oh, I'm only going to paint when I'm feeling this type of way like no, you show up, and maybe what you make isn't great that day, but you show up every day and you do it. I was like, Okay, all right. I felt that.

Jessica: Yeah, I mean, that would play a part of marrying the two energies, the one that's more linear and the one that's more curvy, you know? Oh, that's so interesting. So with your collage work, how do you go about creating a collage? I'm interested in starting collage work so this is particularly my personal question, how did you start do you go through old magazines -

Sarah: Yeah.

Jessica: Did you just purchase a bunch of stuff? Okay.

Sarah: It's really for me, going through magazines and I just pull out with I'm like, Oh, that looks cool and then I kind of start a collage by choosing five or six different images, and then I kind of go off that. I placed them where I feel and then there'll be a pattern that emerges that's like, okay, here's this kind of color scheme so let me look through my images and find red and then that can be in the shape of a little image of a piece of jewelry or something nature or something like that but generally, there's a theme that emerges from what I've chosen, even though I didn't go into it with a theme in mind and then I like to paint on top of the collage work and kind of add some texture.

Photos by Sarah Steinback

Jessica: That's cool. That's super fun. I do put it together and then create it out of pastels and I thought that was just the most fun I've ever had drawing because I'm not a drawer. I've ever had drawing because I'm not a drawer.

Sarah: Same. I'm not either.

Jessica: It's definitely...I like paint. I like pigments.

Sarah: For me, I'm not a realist in any way and I'm not really great at drawing. Sketches, sure. Little characters and creatures fine but -

Jessica: Yeah, no, I'm writing the same. I can draw a mean pair but that's about it.

Sarah: I feel you, though.

Jessica: Have you ever found that maybe your artwork revealed something about you that you were struggling with, or you were thinking about subconsciously, but you didn't realize until you were like -

Sarah: Oh! Totally. And that's kind of with all of my work, the larger the body of work that I created, the more I saw, these themes emerging, and then when I look back at some of my collage work, I'm like, Oh, because you were feeling this type of way and then just looking at the images that I had chosen, there's a vibe. It's like when you have a vision board or a Pinterest board, there's a vibe to it and I think that I learned my vibe via my artwork for sure.

Jessica: Oh, that's awesome. How has your artistic expression through your own creativity related to your body modifications?

Sarah talks about how her own creativity is related to her body modifications

Sarah: It's really---the body modifications, were really a large part of me coming into the fullest expression of myself. Growing up in my family, and just kind of, the world was changing and tattoos and piercings weren't as big of a deal when I was growing up, but in my family, it was not an acceptable form of self-expression. I got my eyebrow pierced when I was 16 and my dad didn't talk to me for two weeks. He was really upset about it, so it was always kind of, I always knew that I wanted the tattoos that I have and to get a full sleeve and to do facial piercings, but there was a part of me that was holding out because I had worked in all of these different realms and like, Okay, if I go into science, is that gonna be okay, can I jive? And when I hit my 30s I kind of let go of all of that and I'm like if my self-expression is not-

Jessica: Yeah.

Sarah: And it really comes down to just self-ownership and owning all the parts of myself and letting that be expressed through my piercings.

Jessica: Yeah, it probably cemented your own self-worth. I am worth feeling myself more than this earth job.

Sarah: Yeah, and it's funny because it goes in both directions. It was also when I got really involved in the yoga community and doing yoga and mindfulness trainings. There's also a perception in that community believe it or not of what you should look like, if you're a spiritual person, I'm sure you're familiar with that and it's not that anybody's imposing that. It's just that the majority of people, you know, people tend to homogenize a little bit in whatever roles they're in and so there was a little bit of that kind of in the back of my mind with that, too, of like, Oh, maybe I shouldn't be coloring my hair.

Jessica: [inaudible 14:30] like -

Sarah: Yeah, and owning the parts of ourselves that are sticky like that is a really good exercise for everyone because it touches on your not-enoughness like, I'm not going to fit in if I don't do these things and it's not even necessarily that it's a conscious thing. It's just something that we all do in order to be accepted and to move through life on inhibited.

Jessica: Yeah, and I think that challenging those ideas, I'm not good enough or I won't be accepted if I've done this to my body, when you do it and you realize that you are accepted by the people that truly matter, it's a very home feeling like it's like nothing else like these are my people, this is my place. Pardon me?

Sarah: People who matter are not going to be bothered by it, you know?

Jessica: Yeah, I mean, I got my eyebrows pierced, my mom didn't notice for like a month.

Sarah: I came home with my septum ring and my husband didn't notice right away. He was like, "What's different?" I'm like, "Really?"

Jessica: I've done that before. I'm like, so any new piercings and he's like, ahh!

Sarah: Well it's funny goes to show people don't actually pay attention to our appearance as much as we think that they do. I started wearing because I love having a short hair, but for different looks, I wear wigs when I go out and I love to wear wigs and have a different...there's a whole persona that goes with an outfit and I love doing that. It's kind of just like taking getting ready to the next level and everything we do when we---if you're going out and if you're the person who puts on makeup and styles. Your hair does an outfit, that's a costume to a point.

Jessica: Yeah.

Sarah: But kind of a next leveling with that, but it's funny to me how few people really notice. Like someone will have seen me the day before with this hair and then I'll have a long Bob that's blonde and super, like oh your hair looks really good today. I'm like really? I have like one side of my head shaved in my hair.

Jessica: And groom like 10 inches overnight.

Sarah: It's been kind of amazing to me that even the most observant people in my life, they just don't...people don't take stock of our appearance quite annoying me, they think that they do and that's been an interesting thing for me to realize, too.

Jessica: It's so true. Yeah. It's fine. I've talked a lot about the idea of that, when you meet your people, you definitely have this kind of more of a soul connection and an eyeball connection, it's not really seeing like, Oh, I see this about you. It's like I see you for you and then everything else is just dressing.

Sarah: Absolutely. I have a funny situation with that, where I tend to think that people with larger personalities are taller than they actually are. I have a couple of friends who are just under five foot and when I learned that I was like, no, you're not and then looking, I'm like, Oh, yes, you are, but your personality makes you appear larger to me and it's-

Jessica: Taller.

Sarah: Yeah, it's because of that soul connection, it's more of an energetic bond than it is, visual or auditory thing.

Jessica: Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, I do this thing where if I just assumed people who are taller than me are older than me. So that's a little bit of the reverse like, we'll have like a 15-year-old kid comes into the studio and I'm thinking he's probably like 30 because he's so much taller. I'm like, yes, sir like-

Sarah: You're like, wait this kid's 15. What?

Jessica: You're 15, I'm in charge. What was your first body modification?

Sarah talks about her first body modication

Sarah: Oh, let's see. My belly button which I pierced myself when I was 14.

Jessica: Don't do that. If you're listening at home.

Sarah: Please don't. I can tell you all about the fall out but you can Google that. So that was my first one and that was because of the stigma within my family. It was like, I quit and go. It's not like I could go and get it done in like a safe way and I really wanted it.

Jessica: Yeah.

Sarah: And that was a learning experience. That was my first one. I got my eyebrow when I was 16 and then that's an ear piercing I've got. I've had three or four and then gone down to two. My septum and my nose ring, I didn't do until years ago but I think I thought I had the septum idea in my head for about a year before I did it, which is I like to do that with piercings and tattoos. I'm like, if I'm thinking about it for longer than six months, then it's definitely something that I want.

Jessica: Yeah.

Sarah: And I'm thinking about my body but I think that there's a lot of thought for me that goes into self-expression with body artistry and body modification for sure.

Jessica: Yeah. I've noticed in my own life- personality and things like that, I go back to my natural color of hair when I'm having a really hard time in life. I'm a redhead and so my friends and my family have been like, Are you, okay, Jess? Whatever my hair is like, my roots are going out. And it's -

Sarah: Go ahead.

Jessica: This is [inaudible 20:22], it's like it becomes your piercings or tattoos, your hair, your makeup, it becomes an extension of who you are. Which is such a fun and interesting concept. I like what you said about putting the wigs on and like it's a whole persona.

Sarah: It is. It's funny that you say that about that hair.

Jessica: Because that's how it feels like, you know?

Sarah: It's the same thing for me. My hair gets cut whenever I'm entering a new chapter and just coming out of a dumpster fire of a situation or a period of time. I always cut my hair off, always. And when I'm going through some stuff, I always want to grow it out and get things and I'm [inaudible 20:43] like, why would you do that? You already know.

Jessica: It's so true. For a little bit there, I was even going through like seasons like actual physical seasons, I would notice that I would want to dye my hair black in fall, and then it would turn blonde in winter, and then I'd be red for just a little bit probably in those low vitamin D kind of months, and then it would go to purple and then it's just really it. We're all creatures of habit even within our expressive selves.

Sarah: Yeah, and the more you get to know somebody, the more you can tell that they're feeling some type of way by their appearance and like, you know, oh, Sarah cut her hair off, she must be entering a new phase, the more you start to pay attention to the people in your life and the way they express themselves if they are expressive in their appearance, the more you see that and it's kind of cool. It's kind of a cool way to get to know somebody without really having to ask them questions and like I've just known you long enough that I know your cycles.

Jessica: Exactly! Do you have a preference between the semi-permanent piercings or the permanent tattoos or do you see them as having their own place in your expressive journey?

Sarah: They have their own---ask me that in a different way, I'm not sure I'm understanding you're question.

Jessica: Yeah, that wasn't very clear. I feel like asked the same question twice and not a different question. I talked to one girl who said she really liked having tattoos because they were permanent and then like me personally, I love my tattoos being permanent, but I enjoy the flexibility of piercings.

Sarah shares her thoughts about tattoos and piercings

Sarah: I feel you. Yeah, there's definitely a thought process that plays out for both, there's definitely more serious consideration for me that goes into tattooing than it does for piercing. With facial piercings, I think I initially started off with a septum because I was like, you know what? If I don't want a facial piercing, I'm not gonna have a scar-a visible scar from it because I do have one from my eyebrow piercing but I guess I never actually thought about; I never really thought about the delineation between the two but you're right, it is a little bit easier to change up and let a piercing close up or not wear it. And tattoos are definitely like that's permanent. I had one on my ankle that I tried to have removed and after 22 sessions-removal sessions, it wasn't going anywhere so I ended up having it covered. So I've definitely had a journey with the permanence of tattoos. My advice be don't get them when you're a teenager.

Jessica: Yes. I always say even sometimes waiting after you turn 18, a good year after you're 18. My sister turned 18 this last year and I told her she could get a tattoo. I get her a tattoo, but she had to pick it and like it by the time she turned 19.

Sarah: Yeah and that's the truth. My first tattoo was when I was 14 and I mean, think back to where you were psychologically and emotionally when you're 14 and compare it to where you are now, you're not going to--- there's certain things that are going to be cohesive, but you're not going to resonate with the same thing and I waited until I was in my 30s to get my full sleeve. I have another tattoo on my chest that I got in my early 20s that I absolutely love, but after the whole removal process with that first one, I was like, you know, I'm just gonna hang on to this for a while and -

Jessica: Yeah.

Sarah: In my 30s, I feel like I can make a decision about permanent body art at this period of my life without feeling like I am gonna have regrets.

Jessica: Yeah, no, it's true. I mean, I have --- I don't know if you've seen this meme, but it's "free shavocado" or free avocado but it looks like shavocado.

Sarah: Oh no, I have not.

Jessica: Well, I have it tattooed on my ear.

Sarah: Awesome!

Jessica: Definitely my least thought out tattoo and after that I was like, Okay, I understand.

Sarah: I got it.

Jessica: I got it. My best friend has a matching one and we both have it behind our ear.

Sarah: That's cute.

Jessica: A meme I think it's funny. Would I have gotten it behind my ear next to my face if I thought it out a little bit more?

Sarah: No, you not. But at least it's a cute little behind the ear. Your friend has a matching one. It'll always remind you of that time.

Jessica: Exactly! And when people look at me, like do you have avocado tattooed behind your ear and I have to say yes.

Sarah: Yeah. I did training with a girl who had a big avocado tattoo on her arm. It was really cute. I was like, that's not something I would have ever thought of cute.

Jessica: Avocados are in right now.

Sarah: Right.

Jessica: Like all over the commercials. I'm like, I thought avocados were cool before they were all of the commercials.

Sarah: Avocado toast for 20 years.

Jessica: Right? I'm like, whatever. Now, it's trending. What advice would you give to someone who is kind of in that slump creatively where they want to start maybe getting back to the roots or they have a creative mindset, but they're afraid of maybe the community will think of their work?

Sarah gives advice to everyone with a creative mindset

Sarah: My advice personally, because I definitely went through that and there were probably two years where I absolutely refused to let anyone see my art because it felt so personal and so connected to me and then two things. For someone getting back into creativity, I think the most important thing to do is give yourself freedom and permission. Set aside a block of time, set up some materials in front of yourself. Maybe start out with an inspiration, maybe don't, and just play. Remember what it was like to be a kid and just play because some of my best techniques that I've learned have been happy accidents where I just sat down tonight, I thought I fucked something up, but it actually ended up looking really cool and if I hadn't given myself permission to just do what I wanted to do, it never would have happened and then the other thing was something a mentor told me "Once you've finished a piece or once you've finished a session on a piece, you are no longer the same person that you were when you started the piece." So there's a disconnect there, there's always going to be a disconnect between that piece and your future self. So you know, sometimes you might hate something and then come back to it six months later and be like, oh, wow, this is actually really cool. And just remembering that can kind of help to cut that cord between you and your artwork of like, it's something that moved through you. It's not a piece to view and once it's out there in the world, it's for the world now. It's not really for you anymore so there's like, once I got that mindset in my head, I started being a little bit more open with showing people my art and with getting it out there and the way I was received was really great.

Jessica: That's awesome.

Sarah: With that in mind.

Jessica: Yeah. And I think I would also add to that is, if someone doesn't like the piece that you've done, then they're not the ones that the piece was for.

Sarah: Yeah and tagging on to that, if you want your art to be not mediocre, it's really great for people to hate your art. If people either love it or hate it, either one's pretty great. It means you got a reaction.

Jessica: Yeah.

Sarah: You learned something emotionally, like, I don't want anybody to look at my pieces and go...I mean, some will for sure but like, that's the reaction that I'm really going for.

Jessica: That's like grocery store art versus, mass-produced versus I've created this.

Sarah: Yeah, it's inoffensive versus this is an expression of some sticky shit that came out and is maybe gonna stir up some sticky shit in someone else.

Jessica: Yeah, and that's a really good point too because if someone looks at your art and doesn't like it, it is a reflective process. It's kind of a mirror and if they look at it, they're maybe wrestling with themselves.

Sarah: Yeah.

Jessica: We all know that's hard.

Sarah: Oh yeah! It's not something that you really get in the moment but then, though, if you're contemplating about it, the more you think about it, you're like, why did I hate that.

Jessica: Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Well, I want to let you enjoy the rest of this day but I want to thank you so much for your heart and your perspective on art and creativity in becoming yourself.

Sarah: Thank you so much for having me. It was really great to chat about those and I love it.

Jessica: Yeah, I'm excited when this is all over and you can hopefully come back into our studio.

Sarah: Yeah! That'd be great to see you in person.

Jessica: I hope you have a great rest of your day.

Sarah: Thank you, you too. Be well.

Jessica: You too. Bye!

Sarah: Bye!